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Hard Times, Good Times and the Celtic Tiger
by James Woods
Format: Paperback
Publication date: 4th April 2011
ISBN: 978-1-908282-55-2
Price: €15.00
“I’m writing a book. It’s a bit like going to confession except it’s in print”.
Most of us are lucky if we have a couple of good stories to tell; luckier still are those who seem to have an endless stream of anecdotes. From growing up on a farm in 1960s Donegal to living through the Troubles and tearing up London in the 1980s, this is the life so far of James Woods. Many of the stories will be very familiar, some will be alarming, and some will make you wonder how the author is still around to tell his tale…
About the Author
James Woods is from Gort an Choirce, Contae Dún nGall. Among the list of dos and don’ts on his CV is that he is a contributor to both national and local media.
Extract from Hard Times, Good Times and the Celtic Tiger
Missing Underwear
Myself and the plumber were sitting drinking a cup of coffee in under the scaffold when this hot-looking lady walks past without noticing us. She was carrying a plastic bag, which she placed very discreetly inside a bin. The plumber says, “That was a wee bit suspicious looking. I think that could be worth checking out”.
He wandered over to the bin looking a bit suspicious himself as he pretended to throw something in, and took the plastic bag out at the same time and over to where we sat for a closer inspection. The first thing that came out was an empty wine bottle, nothing exciting about that. But you could not say the same about the next item that was carefully removed and held up for close scrutiny, a nice sexy G-string. So that put our minds on overdrive. We checked for wear and tear with no evidence of anything untoward. We came to the conclusion that seeing that it was a very hot day, she had decided to go into work early on to take advantage of any slight breeze that might arise, or if she had to go the loo, it could be done in double quick time.
What we did next was to get a big sheet of eight by four ply, fixed it to the scaffold, tacked the offending item onto it, then in big letters wrote if the owner did not reclaim them within twenty-four hours they were then going to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. This was a very busy street and it was creating a lot of interest. The laughs we had were just non-stop. There was a pedestrian crossing beside the job so the traffic was constantly stopping. Then you would see people burst out laughing when they would spot our advertising board. I was standing out on the pavement having a look to see if there were any more additions that could be done to spice it up even more when this car pulled in beside me. It turned out to be a lady looking for directions so I was down on one knee trying to point her in the direction she wanted to go, but I was laughing that much she asked me in a posh voice what I was laughing at. I just pointed at our board, and she says, “Oh my God, what’s that?” and I went into a fit of laughing. I looked over at the plumber and there was these two big bodybuilders the size of two dump trucks talking to him and he was in stitches laughing as well. “That’s great,” I thought “we’re all having the giggles over some lady’s missing underwear”.
The two dump trucks went off up the street about their business. When I regained my composer, as the man says, I gave the lady proper directions and sent her off laughing as well. The plumber was still going into fits. “What did them two big boys say about the carry on?” I said. They thought I was laughing at them and were saying what they would do to me and me on my knees. I cannot bring myself to say what their intentions were but as luck would have it they were after leaving a gym just across the street that catered for a mostly gay clientele. So that was me off in a rage again and away up the road looking for the two of them, but not a trace could I see of them anywhere. What a stroke of luck that was for me when I think of it. They would have probably pulled the legs and arms off me first before tuffing me upside down in a bin.
